Search Me, Know My Heart

I have a terrible habit. Everything will be fine, I'll be going along as usual, and then BAM! something triggers a memory of a time when someone hurt me. I allow myself to get sucked back into the feelings I had at that time - the rejection, the hurt, the shame. And I re-live it. Feeling all those awful things; let it eat away at my self-worth again.

Lately it has really started to bother me. Why do I do this? These memories are from events that happened years ago - some as early as when I was 13! I've certainly grown since then and I've done some pretty good things in my life. So why do I allow these memories to be such a stronghold over me? I started talking to God about it. I asked him why I did it and even wrote down a few of the memories in detail hoping it would somehow purge itself and leave me alone.

Yesterday morning, I flipped through the DVR and started to watch Beth Moore. She was discussing Psalm 139 and I was dumbfounded by how she was speaking directly to me.

"God knows who has broken our hearts, devastated us."

No matter how silly or small the act - God knows that it broke my heart. I don't have to write down each memory because He already knows.  When we re-live these things over and over, we want someone to acknowledge them. We want someone to say, "Yeah, man that was awful!" But it will never be enough. The only want to release it is to determine that "you will not let it have you, but you will let God have it."

   Let me be clear. I've thankfully never suffered any type of abuse. The hurts I've felt have been unintentional - most of the time the people never even knew how deep their words/actions cut. But we all have pain in our lives that shapes us - for good or for bad. "Pain will happen, people will blow it. But there is always a redeemer."