Hey! It's Okay Tuesday!

It's Okay to...

• be thankful Christmas is over. But ready to plan for next year. 
• to have taken all of the Christmas decorations down. We still have our main tree up, I promised the kids we would wait until New Year's Eve to take it down. But I'm ready to get the house back in order! 

• be glad the kids are still on Christmas break. But that may be because they are all still asleep. My answer may change later this afternoon. 
• have some serious goals for 2015. What do you have planned for the next year?

Check out Airing My Dirty Laundry to see what else is okay!

IWTB: 9 Weeks Later

9 weeks have passed since I had lap band surgery. I've been quiet on this blog for the past few weeks because it doesn't seem like much has changed. But thinking about it, a LOT has changed from this time last year. It just goes to show that weight loss success requires mental changes as well as physical.

My current weight loss is about 28 lbs. I fluctuate between 217-220 lbs (My highest weight was 245.7 pre-surgery) and have been "stuck" here for about 6 weeks. It honestly has been one of the most frustrating things I've ever experienced. I will wholeheartedly admit that I expected this to be so much easier. I have been told time and time again from those who have been through this that it is NOT the easy way out, the band is a tool and you still have to do your part to lose the weight. I wanted them all to be wrong! 

I, like a gazillion other women in this world, wanted to lose lots of weight really quickly without much effort from me. I'm coming to the realization that it will never happen that way. If I'm going to be successful, I can't rely on anyone - or anything - except myself. Maybe that's common sense to some of you, but this chubby chick has been in deep denial for many years. It takes me a little longer to pick up on these sort of things. 

So my weight hasn't moved a whole lot, (even though almost 30 lbs in 9 weeks is pretty darn impressive) but what has changed? The way I think about food. I'm not completely reformed yet, but I find myself being more careful about what I choose to eat. I'm also eating less. Multiple servings of dinner was always a given for me. Every night I would eat until I was Thanksgiving-full. Now I have one serving and I'm good. 

Another thing that has changed? I haven't gained weight. I consider those 28 lbs gone forever. A few years ago, I worked really hard, watched what I ate, exercised regularly, and lost 17 lbs over a 4 month period. Christmas rolled around and I decided to loosen the reins a bit and gained every single pound back. Plus more. That was my rock bottom. I had worked so hard to lose that tiny amount only to gain it back in no time. I felt so helpless and hopeless. I may be frustrated with my stalled weight loss, but I am not hopeless. I know what I need to do and I will be successful this time.

This is not a sprint, it's a marathon. I'm not just losing weight, I'm developing habits that will keep that weight off. Stick around for the ride, won't you?

Hey! It's Okay Tuesday!

It's okay to...

• legitimately love "ugly" sweaters. I've said it before and I'll say it again. It's not Christmas unless someone is wearing a reindeer appliqued sweater. 
• learn from last year's mistake of thinking I had to bring 72 homemade frosted sugar cookies to the elementary school for Christmas parties. This year I volunteered to bring plates. Someone else can make themselves crazy making perfect homemade treats.
• be SO GLAD Playing House is getting a second season. That show is so funny. Get ready Jammers! 
• to have really enjoyed the Grumpy Cat Christmas movie. I'm a big Grumpy Cat fan as it is, but I thought it was really funny! 

Head over to Airing My Dirty Laundry to see what else is okay! 

IWTB: What Do I Do Now?

A silly "before" pic the morning of surgery.

Last Tuesday I started to really feel better. It was a complete 180 from how I was feeling over the weekend and I was so relieved. I'm doing a better job of judging how much I can drink at one time, so I rarely get the hiccups and  - aside from a slight issue this morning when I drank too much at once - I haven't been throwing up.

I'm still technically on a full liquid diet until Wednesday. I don't get physically hungry, but man, do I miss eating! It was/is my favorite thing to do and now I'm having to find other things to occupy my time. I tried sewing Brenna an Elsa costume, but discovered I'm better about thinking about sewing than I am actually sewing. So I'm searching out different hobbies and I'm open to suggestions!

I also have permission to start exercising again and I'm looking forward to starting the C25K program again.

What other hobbies or activities should I try?

Officially With the Band

Since this was an outpatient procedure, I expected to bounce back right away. I'd have my lifting restrictions, have to eat in phases, but essentially be myself. That has not been the case. I'm extremely tired and very irritable - I've cursed more than a sailor these last few days. I'm so thirsty, but drinking more than an ounce of water at a time makes my chest hurt and gives me painful hiccups, sometimes even vomiting.

I was supposed to be able to start my 'full liquids' diet yesterday, but instead was hospitalized for a few hours to get fluids and steroids to help reduce my swellling. 

I did a barium swallow to make sure fluid could go through my band. Now I'm having stomach issues, which is so weird since I haven't had anything except clear liquids for a week.

I've been told that I'll start to get back to myself in a few days. And I pray that is true. I did so much research and was sure this was the right choice for me. Now I feel like it's the worst decision I have ever made.

Recording these feelings mostly for me. So I can hopefully look back and see how far I've come. It's a rough road so far. Not asking for pity, just patience with me. 😊

IWTB: This is Why

I'm down 11 pounds. My clothes are loose. I'm not stuffed full of carbs and it has made a difference in my energy level. I don't crave foods that are terrible for me. (I shared with a few friends this weekend that I'm really craving oatmeal. How weird is that?? ) Right now I feel lighter, more energetic and in charge of this weight loss thing.

And this is where I go downhill. If I didn't have surgery in a few days, I know how I would react. I know where my thoughts go...

"I got this! So this one bowl of Captain Crunch won't hurt!"

"I got this! I'm just going to sneak a few chocolate chip cookies..."

"I got this! This dinner was delicious! I've been so good, I deserve a second (third...) helping!"

And soon I would be back to my old ways. I'd gain the weight back - maybe even more. I'd have to go clothes shopping and that 'light' feeling I have now would be replaced with the self-loathing that I am all too familiar with.

The cycle of madness would never end. Losing the same few pounds, gaining them back, rinse and repeat.

My health depends on me losing more than this tiny amount of weight. Because while 11 pounds gone is great, heart disease doesn't care I've only lost 11 pounds. Sleep apnea doesn't care I've only lost 11 pounds. Diabetes doesn't care that I've only lost 11 pounds. They are all looming in front of me, waiting for me to fail. Waiting for their time to strike.

So I'm taking control. And for the first time ever I can say with confidence - I GOT THIS.

I'm With The Band - Cheater, Cheater, Brisket Eater

I've been on the liquid diet for a week now and it has gotten easier. And I've lost 10 pounds! But frankly it still sucks. I'm so sick of protein shakes. And broth. And jello. So. much. jello. Saturday was my anniversary (11 years! Woop! Woop!) and I cheated by eating a little brisket and some broccoli. Whoever thought I would cheat with broccoli??  *sigh*  But the end is in sight!

I saw the surgeon Monday for my pre-op appointment. We went over everything with the surgery, after surgery and maintenance down the road. He also sprung something on me and we changed my surgery a bit. He offered to do a band with plication. I didn't realize it would be an option for me, but had read up on it before. After confirming what I knew and discussing any additional risks, I said, "Sign me up!"

So what does THAT mean?

Plication is when they take your stomach, fold it in on itself, and sew it up. The result is a stomach that is similar to that in gastric sleeve surgery, but nothing is actually removed.

 Banding with plication

Gastric Sleeve

Why would they want to do this?

• Faster initial weight loss. While the long term results are found to be about the same with each surgery, having just a gastric band is known for slower weight loss. I was completely okay with that. But we're an instant gratification society and I'm definitely an instant gratification girl. Part of the reason regular diets didn't work for me was the slow results. "I haven't lost any weight this week, might as well have a cookie - or six!" Not healthy thinking - I KNOW. Working on that! But isn't everyone more likely to stick to something if you see it's working? 
• It's still safer than gastric bypass or gastric sleeve surgery. Nothing is being cut and removed from my body. It's still an outpatient procedure, so I'll still be home that day. I just might have a little additional nausea after surgery and I may not be able to move on to solid foods as quickly. 
• Less maintenance. After lap band surgery, you will see your doctor every 3-6 weeks for 'fills'. (They will inject saline into the port on your band.) 

You can read more about this fairly new procedure here. 

On Monday, I will drink a large amount of junk that will completely empty out my stomach. Basically keep me in the bathroom all day. The information sheet they sent me about it said to gather books and magazines 'cause you'll need it! Ha! Wish me luck with that! 

Next Wednesday is the big day! 

I'm With the Band - Pre-op Diet

 I started my pre-op diet yesterday. The purpose of the diet is to shrink my liver to make it easier to move for the surgery. I guess right now it's the shape of a football. This diet will shrink it down to the size of a stingray.

So what IS my pre-op diet? Liquids. Nothing but sugar-free liquids. I have supplements from the doctor's office that I drink 4 times a day and then I'm allowed strained soups, sugar-free jello, sugar-free popsicles, and all of the water my body can drink. I can flavor the water, so I'm experimenting with different sugar-free flavorings like Mio and Crystal Light. (Please don't lecture me on chemicals or how terrible faux sugar is for my body. Let me tackle one demon at a time.)

I was very nervous about doing this pre-op diet. In fact, Tuesday night I was a little sad. I didn't get to almost 250 lbs because it's easy for me to NOT eat food. But Wednesday morning I woke up determined and ready to go.

And honestly, it hasn't been that bad. I've felt hungry a few times, which is odd for me because it's something I've never really felt in many years! Mostly I felt lost. I didn't realize how much of my time was spent cooking, eating, and thinking about food. And now that it's being taken away from me (albeit temporarily) I wasn't sure what to do with myself. It's a big learning process!

I meet with my surgeon next week for my pre-op appointment. Want to know more? Tune in next time!

I'm with the Band Pt 4

The weeks are just flying by - I can't believe surgery is just three weeks away.

When you decide to get any type of bariatric surgery, there are requirements you have to complete before you can actually do it. I'm pretty sure they are for insurance purposes, but I'm so thankful I was made to jump through these hoops. So what have I had to do?

• Blood tests
• Ultrasound of my liver 
• Sleep study - it turns out I have mild sleep apnea and restless leg syndrome! 
• Psychological evaluation - I had to meet with a psychologist and talk to him for an hour. I was so nervous about this! But he was very nice and pointed out that I tend to take responsibility for negative things that are not my fault. "Guilt" could be my middle name! It was nice to have him point that out so that I'm more aware of when I blame myself for things out of my control. 
• Written psychological exam - It was LONG and at the end I had to finish sentences. For the first one it said, "I like to..." and I wrote, "eat apples and bananas." (Cue the Raffi song!) I was certain they would determine me crazy after I forgot to erase that...but surprise! I'm sane!
• Meet with a dietitian once a month for 6 months. Her name is Whitney and she is so nice. But she's also not afraid to tell it like it is. I'll continue to meet with her through out this entire process, so I'm glad we get along. 

I also tried to read everything I could get my hands on about Lap Band and bariatric surgery in general. This is a huge step and it would be silly to go in uneducated. Somethings I found especially helpful are:

• Blogs! Honestly there don't seem to be many up-to-date blogs about lap band. But I really like Lap Band Gal!, The World According to Eggface (RNY, not lap band. But still excellent info!), and Bariatric Foodie.  
• Books! My favorites have been 
• Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribble (Not about bariatric surgery, but EXCELLENT for those with food issues!!)
• Weight Loss Surgery: The Real Skinny by Nick Nicholson and B.A. Blackwood
• Bandwagon by Jean McMillan - my favorite so far. She breaks the book up into time frames and explains everything. I can see myself going back to re-read this book several times! 
• Facebook - I belong to a FB group specifically for Lap Bandsters. Some are new, some have been handed for years. It's been an awesome resource for all my questions. 

I start my pre-op diet next Wednesday! Want to hear all about it? Then ya'll come back now, ya hear?!

I'm with the Band Pt. 3

Can't you do this on your own?

No, I can't.







Okay, I suppose I'll elaborate. This is my #1 thought that plagues me.

Why CAN'T I just do this on my own??

I wish I had perfectly wonderful answers to that question, but I don't. The truth is people DO lose large amounts of weight and then keep it off all on their own. And "Hooray!" for them!

Losing all the weight I need to AND keep it off is an impossible feat in my mind. I'm working on that. (A huge part of ANY weight loss process is changing your mindset, not just your diet and activity) The gastric band will be a tool that will help get me there.

Is it the easy way out? Well, it will be easier than trying to do it all on my own. I'll have a physical reminder to make the changes necessary to be successful. But just being banded will not guarantee any weight loss. It will help me, it will NOT do it for me. The choices to lead a healthier lifestyle are still mine and mine alone to make.


What are you afraid of? 

Frogs, mostly. Toads really. They don't move for the longest time and then jump unexpectedly (I say they jump AT you, my husband says I'm crazy...) It scares the bejeeezus out of me.

"I vill kill you in your sleep!" (Toads speak with a terrifying German accent - didn't you know that?)

Oh! You mean about the band?! Well, I'm a bit nervous about the procedure. It's outpatient, but it will be the first time I will have been put under. There are complications that are rare but still worry me. But my biggest fear is that horrible four letter F-word...

I'm really afraid I'm going to FAIL. 

It can be easy to cheat with the band. Just ask Sharon Osborne. I'm really afraid I will find a way to work around the lap band and remain fat forever. 

I'm educating myself, committing myself to the new lifestyle and surrounding myself with a support team and accountability partners. My fear will not become my reality! 

I'm With the Band Pt 2

1. Why Lap Band?

 My surgeon does three different types of bariatric surgery, Roux-en-Y, Gastric Sleeve, and Gastric Banding. Each surgery has it's own benefits and risks. I felt like gastric banding was the right pick for me because:

• None of my internal organs will be cut. With the band, if something happens, I can have it removed and everything will go back to the way it was before. 
• The recovery time is much shorter. It's an outpatient procedure, so I will not have to stay in the hospital. And since Grace isn't walking, having a weight restriction for a long period of time wouldn't work for our family. 
• There will be long term follow-up. I will have to stay in regular contact with my surgeon, especially in the first year, to be sure I'm using the band correctly.
• The weight loss will be slower. I LOVE instant gratification and losing weight quickly sounds terrific! But I know that in order for me to use this tool and be successful with it, I need to change my habits. I worry that if I dropped the weight quickly, I would go back to my old ways just as quickly. 

This wasn't a decision I took lightly. I weighed pros/cons, costs/benefits for quite sometime before making the decision. 

2. How did people respond when you told them? 

I didn't tell anyone for a long time because I expected the worst. I expected judgement, ridicule, and conflict. Instead all I have gotten has been love and support. My husband, Jeff, has been my biggest support through all of this. He's excited for me to feel better about myself. My family and friends have been quick to offer help with the kids and even feed my family afterwards. 

My kids don't quite understand. Riley told me he doesn't want me to change because he "loves me just the way I am". Those were the sweetest words I could have ever heard! But I'm sure he'll still love me when I'm healthier and able to jump on the trampoline and run around the yard with him. 

So why did I choose surgery? Can't I just do this on my own? Tune in next week to find out! 

I'm With the Band Pt. 1

In July, I revealed that I decided to have lap band surgery. I've jumped through all the necessary hoops and finally got a surgery date - October 8th. So for the next 6 weeks, I'm going to share a bit about the various parts of the surgery. Well, all the "before" stuff anyway.

Part 1: The Basics

1. What is lap band surgery?

Lap Band is the brand name of an Adjustable Gastric Band, but is commonly used to describe the procedure (much like people refer to tissues as Kleenex regardless of brand).  A silicone band is placed around the stomach and then filled with saline to reduce the size of the stomach. Read more about it here. 

2. Why did you choose lap band surgery?

There are several answers to this question...

I have always had issues with food. I'm an emotional eater, but my main issue is that I'm a volume eater. I remember being younger and having my mom's friend laugh because I could eat an entire Stouffer's Lasagna by myself. The high school boys that worked at the local Subway thought it was amazing that my junior high self could eat an entire meatball sub. I never thought it was weird that I could eat so much and it never really occurred to me that it was a bad thing until I got older. After years of overeating, I've broken the natural system in my body that tells me when to stop. I have no idea what it means to be "full" until I'm uncomfortably stuffed. 

I've tried losing weight many other ways and have been successful, only to gain the weight (plus more!) back soon after. I don't want to spend the rest of my life losing the same 15-30 lbs over and over again just to regain it. 

I have a lot of weight to lose. If  I had 25, 30 or even 50 lbs to lose, my thought process may be different. But I have so much weight to lose (100.7 lbs to be exact) that it really seems impossible and I get discouraged before even starting.  

I know what it takes to lose weight. But I tend to forget that I'm dieting until after I've 'screwed' up. I need constant accountability.

So why did I choose Lap Band over other types of weight loss surgery? Tune in next week to find out!
(Have questions about the procedure? My decision? My sanity?? Leave them in the comments or email me! I'd love to answer them!) 

Hey! It's Okay Tuesday!

It's Okay to...

Yes. Yes, she can. 

• think my son was right. My kids go back to school tomorrow. Riley predicts I'll do a happy dance, then sit down to enjoy my cup of coffee and say, "Man, I really miss the kids." 
• hope that Brenna's first tooth waits until I can make it to the bank before it falls out! This tooth fairy has no cash on her! (Actually, Brenna told me today she prefers chocolate over cash. She's writing the tooth fairy to inform her.) 
• worry that I'm making the wrong decision with my education. I'm hearing of numerous special education teachers in the area that have resigned this summer. While I like the idea of job openings, it worries me - is there something about this field I should know?
• be glad Debra Messing will be back on tv this fall. I really like her! But her last show (something broadway-ish?) wasn't great. Now if we can just get Amy Brenneman away from that confusing show "The Leftovers". 

Check out Airing My Dirty Laundry to see what else is okay!

Hey! It's Okay Tuesday!

It's Okay to...

• love books about brave, mischievous girls. Ramona will always have a special place in my heart, but I think my new favorite is Clementine. 
• be so ready for the kids to go back to school. This fall will be crazy busy. But at least they won't be able to fight with each other all day! 
• to really hope that this is the year I figure out how to get up earlier than the rest of my family. So many benefits to it...so little desire to leave my warm bed in the morning!
• be nervous/excited about my meeting with the nutritionist tomorrow. It's my last meeting pre-surgery. They'll submit it to insurance and schedule me soon. I wanted to write so much more about this journey before now, but it's gone so fast! Maybe now that the kids are going back I can sit and write more. 

Check out Airing My Dirty Laundry to see what else is okay!

Hey! It's Okay Tuesday!

It's Okay to...

Pretty sure this is how I will look when I finally finish my degree...

• thinking cleaning is dangerous. I mopped our dining room and kitchen yesterday. It was so slick that I nearly wiped out when I went walking through later. Sticky floors save lives! 
• leave my daughter in her bed, awake, for nearly an hour. Grace is almost four. We have shown her time and time again how to get out of her bed by herself. She CAN do it. But its much easier to look at mom and say sweetly, "Get down please!". Sorry sweetheart. From now on, if you want out of bed, you gotta do it yourself. (Her door was open and I could see her the entire time. She played with her toys until she finally decided she'd had enough and slid out of her bed.)
• have learned a lot from my Children's Literature class, but be so thankful it's over! I haven't worked this hard on something in a very long time. Learn from me kids - stay in school! It's harder when you're old!!
• have never seen someone with a sunburned chin until my fair-skinned, red head came in from 3 hours in the pool this afternoon. Thankfully she didn't burn anywhere else except on her face! But it's so odd to see her chin all red! 

Visit Airing My Dirty Laundry to see what else is okay! 

Songs My Kids Mess Up

Pie hole! Pie hole! It's off to work we go!

We listen to a lot of music in our house. Usually my kids have no idea what the lyrics really are and it can be HILARIOUS to listen to what they are actually singing. Here are a few examples...

"Lately I've been laughing Christmas eve....lately I've been laughing really hard...."  Counting Stars By Brenna
(Real lyrics are "Lately I've been, I've been losing sleep....But, baby I've been, I've been praying hard..."

"Pie hole! Pie hole!" Hi Ho (from Snow White) by Gracie
(Real lyrics are, of course, "Hi ho! Hi ho!")

"I don't care what you're going to do!" Let it Go by Gracie
(Should be "I don't care what they're going to say")

"I got one last prom production. I got one last prom production." Problem by Riley
(Real lyrics "I got one less problem without ya. I got one less problem without ya.")

What song lyrics have your kids (or YOU) misheard?

Hey! It's Okay Tuesday!

It's Okay to...

- Admit that you need help.
- Know that when you face your issues, strength can take the place of shame.
- Let the cat out of the bag....:)

In December, I decided to do something serious about my health and in February I started the process of having lap-band surgery. It isn't scheduled yet, but if all goes as planned I should have surgery by the end of August.

I hadn't told anyone for the longest time because I was ashamed. I know people will talk, I know people will think it's the easy way out, I know people will judge. But I realized I can't control what others may say. But I can share my story.

It really isn't anyone else's business - it's my body. But I don't want to lose weight and have people believe I finally got my shizz together and conquered this diet/exercise thing on my own. It felt very dishonest.

So I'd like to put it out there. I'm horrible at blogging, but hopefully I can document this huge life change well!

Check out Airing My Dirty Laundry for more of what's okay!

Hey! It's Okay Tuesday!

It's Okay to...

Oh? Is it humid? I couldn't tell!

• have an afro. I let my hair get pretty long, but it took SO LONG to dry. So for the summer I got it chopped off. It's the same style I've loved in the past, but the combination of new styling products and extremely humid weather makes my curls shrink up to 'fro-levels. It's not so pretty. 
• feel like the poster child for both why you should finish college when you are young and why you should wait. School is SO MUCH easier when you don't have other major responsibilities - like kids that expect you to feed them regularly. But I would have never imagined myself being passionate about Special Education even just five years ago. Just proof that sometimes "regrets" are just God telling you there is something better around the corner.
• be in the middle of three different books and have no desire to finish any of them. I'm doing a lot of reading for a Children's Literature class, so I'm blaming that. 
• LOVE my Children's Literature class. It takes a lot of work! But kid's books are ah-ma-zing. I've at least tripled my Amazon Wish List. 
• be super tired. I've been staying up late working on school and Grace seems to think 5 AM is a perfect time to start the day. It's not. It's a horrible time to start the day. But since she rules the roost around here...

Good night ya'll! 

Check out Airing My Dirty Laundry to see what else is okay! 

Hey! It's Okay Tuesday!

It's Okay to...

• Not understand what Tumblr is.
• Love The Amazing World of Gumball.
• Simultaneously adore your kids and feel like if they say, "Mom!" one more time you're sending them to live with the gypsies.
• To have found this draft that was written on 10/9/2012 and find that it's still as true today as it was then. :)

She's No Geordi

Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge

Grace is now at the age where her disabilities are becoming more noticeable. When we are out in public, normally someone will comment on her hair or how cute she is. Then they pause.

They don't want to stare, but they can tell something is different about her. So far, only two people have come out and made comments about her 'special needs'. Both were very kind, but it still broke my heart.

People can tell my baby is different.

A few days ago at the grocery store, we were picking up some ground beef. The lady working the counter talked to Grace....and then she did 'the pause'. Because of her visual impairment, Grace couldn't tell where the woman's voice was coming from. So while Grace was turning her head, 'scanning' to find the woman, I quickly said, "Oh, she's visually impaired and is trying to figure out where your voice was coming from."

The woman responded, "Oh! My brother is mentally handicapped!"

*Sigh*

 I understand that when people are faced with something different and maybe a little uncomfortable, the knee-jerk reaction is to compare it to something in their own lives. But as this woman rambled on about her brother and the hole in his heart and yada, yada, yada, I just wanted to yell  at her. IT'S NOT THE SAME THING.

It's okay to notice that things are different with my daughter. It's okay to make kind comments about her. It's even VERY okay to ask questions! But please don't lump all disabled people into the same group. Each person is very, very different.

As we were leaving, the woman laughed. "You know, in her lifetime they may be able to do something to help her! Maybe she will end up like that guy on Star Trek with that visor that helps him see!"

"Maybe!" I laughed and turned to walk away.

"Psh, what does she know?" I thought to myself. "Grace is no weird Star Trek character. She's not Geordi La Forge!" 

"She's a kick-ass Captain Kathryn Janeway, damn it!"

Now excuse me, my dork is showing. Let me go tuck that back in. :)