Denial Is A River in Egypt...

I should be getting ready to take Grace to the hospital. But I have two hours before I need to leave and maybe if I keep putting it off, pretending we don't have to go - everything will just disappear! Like some procrastination magic.
(In case you don't know, we are going today to have a "tap and dye" - they will inject dye into her shunt to see if there is a blockage/malfunction. If there is, she will be admitted to the hospital tonight and have another revision tomorrow. Basically we are re-living last month all over again.)

But you get to benefit from my procrastination! Lucky, lucky you.

Pros and Cons of another hospital stay:

Pro - I'll get to watch Glee fairly uninterrupted tonight.
Con - Hospital cable really leaves a lot to be desired late at night.

Pro - I'll get to sleep in a bed all by myself.
Con - That bed is a very uncomfortable recliner.

Pro - All of my meals will be brought to me and I won't have to do dishes!
Con - It's hard to get excited about hospital food.

Pro - I'll finally get some peace and quiet.
Con - It will be too quiet and I'll miss my family like crazy.

Pro - I'll get some time to with just Gracie!
Con - She'll be hooked up to things and the wires will make cuddling difficult.

Okay, I can't procrastinate any longer. I'll try to post something as soon as we know what is going on! (And hopefully it will be from my own noisy, cluttered house instead of the hospital!)

Ready, Not Ready

I am ready for Riley to be challenged by kindergarten.
I am not ready for my baby boy to start kindergarten.

I am ready to get a start on my day before the kids get up.
I am not ready to leave my cozy bed at 6AM.

I am ready to manage my family's finances better.
I am not ready to stop trolling the web for cute toddler dresses.

I am ready to burn my nursing bras.
I am not ready to stop having those quiet moments in the middle of the night when it's just me and Grace.

I am ready for Brenna to be potty trained.
I am not ready...no, actually I'm just totally ready for that!

Trying To Let Tomorrow Worry About Itself

I am so in love with those gummy smiles!

 Every time I see them, I just want to eat those chunky thighs.

The area around Gracie's shunt is still spongy and is actually looking a bit bigger (You can see the big bump on the side of her head in the above picture). We go back to the neurosurgeon tomorrow to check it. I'm preparing myself for her to have her shunt tapped. I really hope that this does not lead to another shunt revision so soon, but my husband and I are getting ready to spend another weekend in the hospital just in case.

In the morning before Gracie's appointment I will be taking Riley for his kindergarten physical.  Can he possibly be this old??

It will be a busy day full of anxiety and needles. Send a few positive thoughts my way, will ya? Thanks. :-)

Girls Can Be Superheroes

photo courtesy of mikiep - very talented artist on etsy.com

Today I picked my son up from preschool and he had on the cutest superhero mask. They had made them in class, decorating them with stickers of various cartoon superheroes. When I asked if everyone made one he said, "No. The girls made some girly thing with ribbons. They can't be superheroes."

SHUT THE FRONT DOOR.

He's five, so I don't know exactly what was said in class. I'm sure that it was not specifically said that "girls cannot be superheroes". But the boys made superhero masks and the girls made something frilly. I am okay with girls wanting to be princesses. I think every girl wants to feel pretty and regal and twirl around in gowns. But why not give them the option to be either a superhero or a princess? Or both?

I'm sure I'm making too much of this. I tend to do that. But I worry about my girls. I worry because they'll grow up in a society where padded bikini tops are marketed to preteens. Where a nine year old worries about the size of her thighs. Where it's more important to be good looking than to be a good person. I don't want anyone telling them they can't be a superhero. That they shouldn't be smart or speak their mind. That they have to fit a certain mold to be beautiful.

To quote Jon Acuff:

I want to send my kids into the world so full of love that the world won't be able to empty them.

Gracie's Shunt Revision Update

Tomorrow will mark two weeks since Grace had her shunt revision so I thought I'd better post an update! Grace's surgery went really well. The doctor replaced her shunt and catheter, but didn't have to replace the tubing that went into her abdomen so she didn't need any incision on her belly. This shunt is bigger and it sticks out quite a bit more on her poor little head. But it could potentially last the rest of her life and she'll grow into it! For now we are investing in some (large) hats.

The dark line to the left of her stitches is just leftover adhesive from her bandage. That stuff WILL NOT come off!

You can sort of see from this angle how much it sticks out from her head.

We went to the neurosurgeon this past week to have her stitches removed. The nurse practitioner removed the stitches and noticed the skin felt "spongy", so she had the surgeon come in and check it. He took one glance and said, "She's leaking spinal fluid." (It always amazes me how he can just look or touch her head and know what's going on. But he's been doing this for nearly 30 years!) Apparently the hole where the catheter was placed hasn't closed up yet. To try and explain it a little better, Grace has a small hole in her head that allows the catheter to enter her ventricle (brain). The catheter works kind of like a straw and pulls the fluid out of the ventricle into the valve (the straight incision right behind her ear) and down the tubing into her abdomen. The hole where the "straw" is hasn't closed up yet, so the fluid is choosing the path of least resistance and coming out of that hole and pooling around the shunt. What we are hoping for is that the hole closes and everything works as it should. What could happen is that the hole doesn't close or this means part of the shunt isn't working. We go back in two weeks to have it looked at again. If it isn't better, the surgeon will have to "tap" the shunt (stick a needle into the area, withdraw fluid and test the pressure) to see if the shunt is working properly. Please pray that everything works correctly! Anytime they have to introduce a needle into her, it can bring the risk of infection.

Other than this potential setback, she is doing so well. She's laughing, smiling and interacting with us like she hadn't before. Here she is giggling at the way Riley's head feels. Silly kids.

The Problems You Create

I recently made a mistake. Shocking I know. But it was a pretty big one. I don't want to tell you what it was because it's embarrassing and it's sort of a taboo topic. Let's just say it may have involved my bank account, my bad math skills and my love of dresses in size 3T.

Darn you irresistibly cute dress!

This made things inconvenient, but wasn't really all that big of a deal. If a friend had told me that she made this mistake it certainly wouldn't change the way I thought about her. We are human and we all make mistakes. But unfortunately here is what went through my head:

What an idiot. How could you be this stupid? You are awful with money. You always will be. Hopeless. Irresponsible. Stupid.

Ouch. I would never talk to anyone this way, why do I think it's okay to tell these things to myself? But I do it everyday. And I think you probably do too. So let's make a promise. Let's promise to be kinder to ourselves and show ourselves the kind of forgiveness we would show others. Pinky swear?

Because you are more than the choices that you've made. You are more than the sum of your past mistakes. You are more than the problems you create.

Why I Hate Penguins

Some might think that penguins are cute, but I think they are evil birds wearing tuxedos stitched by the devil himself. Bud Light forever ruined penguins for me with their 1990's ad campaign. These commercials give me nightmares to this day!



Creepy!

Okay, well they can be a little cute...