SPJ: Refocus

I've been avoiding you my dear, sweet Secret Public Journal readers. I've blogged many times in my head,  but I don't want to put it out there. It's too private and melodramatic. I'm not sure exactly how to start this so I'm just going to type and see what happens.

I started this fitness journey strong. I exercised regularly, ate better and was feeling great. I expected my enthusiasm would wear off eventually and tried to prepare myself mentally so I wouldn't quit when that happened. I signed up for my first ever 5K as motivation and waited for results for my hard work and dedication.

In the three months that I've been working at this...

• I thought my skin would clear...it's gotten worse.
• I thought I would lose more weight...I'm only down 13 lbs.
• I thought I would drop more pants sizes...I'm barely down one size.

I'm discouraged and anxious and I hate my treadmill. I knew I'd hit a wall, I just didn't realize I would hit it so hard.

It's all about my focus. Right now I'm looking at what I still have to accomplish and it seems impossible. Unachievable. Hopeless. But I need to remember how far I've come. I'm at the lowest weight I've been since before Brenna was born four years ago. My usual treadmill workout is jogging two miles. Three months ago I couldn't jog for two minutes. To quote Joyce Meyer,

"I may not be where I want to be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be."

 

Time to refocus. Visit my pinterest Goals board regularly. Shake up my routine. Add new music to my playlist.  I will get there.

Thank you, Pinterest

I can't stand the word "thinspiration". It may motivate some, but to me it seems to glorify being skinny. I don't want to be "skinny". I want to be healthy, strong and fierce.

(For the record, I also can't stand the saying, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.")

I was writing another blog post about getting healthy and did a search on Pinterest for "thinspiration". My intent was to find some of the images of scrawny girls that are so awful for our self-esteem. Instead I found this...

"Eating disorders are not lifestyle choices, they are mental disorders that if left untreated can cause serious health problems or could even be life-threatening.

For treatment referrals, information, and support, you can always contact the National Eating Disorders Association Helpline at 1-800-931-2237 or www.nationaleatingdisorders.org"

I was surprised and touched. Obviously I'm not the only one concerned with the images that I saw.

Well done, Pinterest. Well done.

Progress, Not Perfection

It was late afternoon. That twilight period between school and dinner when everyone seems to lose their minds. I had just ended a maddening 45 minute phone call with a company that claimed I hadn't paid my bill when my bank account proved otherwise. The older two were picking at each other and Grace was screaming. (Grace loves to shriek. How do you correct that? We've tried saying, "NO!" in a stern voice, but then she just looks at you and shrieks a bit quieter.)

I headed to the kitchen to get the 400th cup of chocolate milk of the day, my mind swirling. Finances. Shrieking kids. Dirty floors. Dinner. Dishes. I was drowning.

As I turned to place the milk jug on the counter I spotted something out of the corner of my eye. The heavens opened up, angels began to sing, and I saw it. My lifesaver.

The zucchini bread I had made last night. There was still a little over quarter of the loaf left. Sweet and moist with plump little raisins. It wasn't a HUGE chunk. I could eat the rest, no big deal. I was so frustrated, stressed. I deserved to give myself a break.

Two weeks ago I absolutely would have eaten the whole thing and not thought about it - not even really realized it. This time a little voice stopped me saying, "You deserve better than this."

I would like to be able to say I resisted completely, but I did have a small slice. I wanted more. Oh Lord, did I want to run back into the kitchen and eat more. But I knew I wasn't hungry. I knew I was eating because I was stressed. And I knew this had to stop somewhere.

Progress.

Maybe This Time

I've never made my struggle with my weight a secret. Well, it's hard for me to call it a struggle. For the most part, I don't feel overweight. But I am.

I've always (wrongly) associated losing weight with vanity. And I've tried to "rise above" that. There is so much more to me than my weight. I'm smart. Funny. Kind. But now it's beyond just having a smaller waistline.

It seems that this Mighty B has some mighty high cholesterol. Triglycerides to be exact. I'm still a little confused about the difference between all the different types of cholesterol, but one thing is for sure. My lack of exercise, poor diet and extra weight have put me at a higher risk for heart disease.

I'm making another attempt to start good habits. I've done this many, many times before and obviously never stuck with it. But it's different this time. It has to be different this time. 

So my dear bloggy friends, I am making this my "secret-public" journal.  I want to hold myself accountable in a more public way. I want to write more and I certainly have a lot to say about this journey. And I just feel like it's a story worth telling. 

I'm not sure what exactly I'll write. Will I tell my weight? (Probably) Will I share my "before" pictures? (Most likely) Will I share my successes, failures, frustrations and triumphs? (Abso-friggin'-lutely). I hope it's entertaining and maybe even inspiring. 

Cheer me on, won't you?