IWTB: Weigh-In Wednesday

Huh. Well, this isn't what I wanted to see. I'm up 1.6 lbs, but - yet again - I can't say it's a surprise. My lap band may prevent me from overeating most things, but it certainly doesn't prevent me from eating stuff that I know I should limit. And lately I've had loads of sugar. Ice cream slides through the band quite easily.

I'm currently about half-way through getting my degree in Special Education. Today I was writing a paper on classroom management, focusing on self-efficacy and motivation. Self-efficacy refers to the confidence one has in their ability. The more positive self-efficacy one has, the higher their motivation tends to be. Basically, if you believe that you can, you will. 

While writing my paper on ways to increase positive self-efficacy in students, I had a light bulb moment. I don't think I've made it any secret that I don't believe I can lose weight. My belief in my abilities pretty much sucks. If I don't believe I can do it, why should I try?  One of they ways to increase learning in a classroom is to set up challenging opportunities for a student to succeed. Once they believe they can do hard things, they are willing to keep trying. Am I setting myself up for success? 

Uh, no. 

I am horrible about setting myself up for failure. Just last week I started doing the C25K workout - which I love! But I decided to up my game and do Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred - which I also love! - on my off days.  

It was exhilarating! 

For about 5 days. 

Then I hurt my back and have not done any type of workout since last Friday. I threw myself into this new workout regime headfirst with the best intentions, but was ultimately setting myself up to fail. My body is not used to that much activity! One day, I will be able to do it. For now, I need to start a bit slower. I need to create challenging opportunities for me to succeed. 

So I'm focusing on the C25K workout. I'll do some strength building on my off days, but Jillian will just have to wait a bit longer for me. 

And finding better alternatives to Dairy Queen. My waistline and wallet will thank me for that!

IWTB: Weigh-In Wednesday

 I'm posting the pics from last week and this week to show two things:

1. I do take a picture every Wednesday.
2. I'm down 1.8 lbs. Yay!

One thing I've learned about myself recently is that I can be an extremely anxious person. (Anyone who has had the pleasure of sitting next to me knows I have that annoying habit of constantly shaking my leg. Part Restless Leg Syndrome, part anxiety!) Lately it has gotten a lot worse and my mind has been a whirlwind of worry and stress. I hate it! I could not figure out what had changed, Why am I suddenly this giant ball of stress? 

I really think it's because before, when I would get anxious or stressed, I would eat. It wasn't a surprise that I used food to self-medicate. I knew that part. I was just surprised at how well it worked! Since I can no longer stuff my face whenever I start to feel anxious, I'm left to just deal with it. And I don't know how to do that. But I'm learning!  

What do you do to de-stress? 

IWTB: Weigh-In Wednesday

I saw my surgeon last week and he was very happy with my progress. We agreed that my band is at a good level for now and I won't have to see him again for 3 months. WOOHOO! Bring on the cookies!!

I'm joking!! I lost 8 pounds in the month between my last two appointments and there is no reason I can't keep that going. I set the bar a bit higher and am shooting to lose 30 lbs between now and my next appointment at the end of July.

So where do I stand today?? Drum roll please....

I've lost another 1.8 lbs and I have no intentions of finding it again. :)

IWTB: Accountability is Key!

When I first started considering gastric banding, I scoured the internet for information. I read articles, watched YouTube videos and subscribed to tons of blogs. One of the blogs that I love and still follow is Lap Band Gal. (You can find her on Facebook here!) She is a lap band success story, losing 116 lbs and maintaining that loss since 2010! Maintenance is a big thing to me. I can lose the weight, but I needed to see it was possible to keep it off. And Lap Band Gal is a big inspiration to me for that reason. 

One of her secrets for success is accountability. Every Friday, she weighs herself and POSTS THE PICTURE ON FACEBOOK. Whoa. She has almost 2,500 people that see her weight every week! Very brave in my book! And very smart. So I even though I'm not at my goal weight yet, I still want to document the process. I'm going to try and post my scale picture every Wednesday - the day I weigh myself. 

I know you're saying, "But wait Mighty B! It's Thursday!" I KNOW. See, there is this little (ginormous) thing called SHAME. Shame is a powerful bitch.  I wrestled with the idea of posting this all day yesterday. Having people know I weigh this much is a humiliating thought. Am I ashamed that I allowed myself to get to this weight? YES. But you know what? I'm actively doing something about this. And this is the lowest I have weighed in almost ten years. That's a big freaking deal, So I'm owning my story and I'm going to overcome my shame with action, humor, love and honesty. And maybe some puppies and rainbows thrown in too.

Here is my weight as of 4/15/15. I'm down 35.1 lbs from my pre-surgery weight! Yay me! 

IWTB: Second Fill was the Key!

After staying at the same weight for months, I FINALLY have started losing weight again. What's my "secret" - I got another fill in my lapband! 

A gastric band is different from other weight loss surgeries in that it requires follow up. If I had gone in on October 8th, had the surgery and did NOTHING else, the lapband would not work.

So what is a fill? 

source

A fill is when the surgeon (some offices allow their nurses to do fills, my surgeon does his) injects saline into the port. The saline expands the band, tightening it around the stomach and creating a narrower passage way for the food to travel through. 

My surgeon (Dr. Knapp) does his at the surgery center where I had the procedure done so he can view the whole thing via x-ray. A nurse walks me back to the operating room in my lovely paper gown and I sit on the table, reclined just a bit. Dr. Knapp finds the port with the x-ray machine gives me a quick warning, then sticks the needle through my stomach into my port. (It doesn't feel much different than getting a shot, but it is weird to see a syringe sticking out of my stomach for the next few minutes.) He then removes all of the fluid from my band to make sure it is all still there and has not been leaking. Once he's made sure it is all still there, he injects new saline into my port. 

I take a few swallows of barium (YUM!) to make sure the band isn't too tight, then I'm on my way! It's very quick, easy and pretty painless. 

For two days after a fill, I am on liquids only to allow everything to adjust. Once I start solid foods, I measure out 1/2 cup, take tiny bites, chew like crazy and eat s-l-o-w-l-y. Before my fill, I was still able to down large quantities pretty quickly. With a tighter band, I'm noticing a BIG difference. Now when I eat too fast, eat something with a bread-like texture or take too big of a bite, it gets "stuck". I get a knot in my chest and waves of pain that last a few minutes until my stomach is able to process what I've just tried to eat. If I try to push it and eat another bite too quickly after being stuck it is extremely painful and can result in the food coming back up. (Technically it's not vomiting because the food never reached my stomach. But it's gross nonetheless!) 

If I follow the rules, eat what I'm supposed to how I'm supposed to, it's no problem. I'm being forced to learn a new way to eat - which is exactly why I chose to have gastric banding in the first place. 

It hasn't been easy getting used to the lapband actually doing it's job! But I have a renewed sense of hope that I CAN and WILL actually lose this weight. 

IWTB: 9 Weeks Later

9 weeks have passed since I had lap band surgery. I've been quiet on this blog for the past few weeks because it doesn't seem like much has changed. But thinking about it, a LOT has changed from this time last year. It just goes to show that weight loss success requires mental changes as well as physical.

My current weight loss is about 28 lbs. I fluctuate between 217-220 lbs (My highest weight was 245.7 pre-surgery) and have been "stuck" here for about 6 weeks. It honestly has been one of the most frustrating things I've ever experienced. I will wholeheartedly admit that I expected this to be so much easier. I have been told time and time again from those who have been through this that it is NOT the easy way out, the band is a tool and you still have to do your part to lose the weight. I wanted them all to be wrong! 

I, like a gazillion other women in this world, wanted to lose lots of weight really quickly without much effort from me. I'm coming to the realization that it will never happen that way. If I'm going to be successful, I can't rely on anyone - or anything - except myself. Maybe that's common sense to some of you, but this chubby chick has been in deep denial for many years. It takes me a little longer to pick up on these sort of things. 

So my weight hasn't moved a whole lot, (even though almost 30 lbs in 9 weeks is pretty darn impressive) but what has changed? The way I think about food. I'm not completely reformed yet, but I find myself being more careful about what I choose to eat. I'm also eating less. Multiple servings of dinner was always a given for me. Every night I would eat until I was Thanksgiving-full. Now I have one serving and I'm good. 

Another thing that has changed? I haven't gained weight. I consider those 28 lbs gone forever. A few years ago, I worked really hard, watched what I ate, exercised regularly, and lost 17 lbs over a 4 month period. Christmas rolled around and I decided to loosen the reins a bit and gained every single pound back. Plus more. That was my rock bottom. I had worked so hard to lose that tiny amount only to gain it back in no time. I felt so helpless and hopeless. I may be frustrated with my stalled weight loss, but I am not hopeless. I know what I need to do and I will be successful this time.

This is not a sprint, it's a marathon. I'm not just losing weight, I'm developing habits that will keep that weight off. Stick around for the ride, won't you?

Officially With the Band

Since this was an outpatient procedure, I expected to bounce back right away. I'd have my lifting restrictions, have to eat in phases, but essentially be myself. That has not been the case. I'm extremely tired and very irritable - I've cursed more than a sailor these last few days. I'm so thirsty, but drinking more than an ounce of water at a time makes my chest hurt and gives me painful hiccups, sometimes even vomiting.

I was supposed to be able to start my 'full liquids' diet yesterday, but instead was hospitalized for a few hours to get fluids and steroids to help reduce my swellling. 

I did a barium swallow to make sure fluid could go through my band. Now I'm having stomach issues, which is so weird since I haven't had anything except clear liquids for a week.

I've been told that I'll start to get back to myself in a few days. And I pray that is true. I did so much research and was sure this was the right choice for me. Now I feel like it's the worst decision I have ever made.

Recording these feelings mostly for me. So I can hopefully look back and see how far I've come. It's a rough road so far. Not asking for pity, just patience with me. 😊

IWTB: This is Why

I'm down 11 pounds. My clothes are loose. I'm not stuffed full of carbs and it has made a difference in my energy level. I don't crave foods that are terrible for me. (I shared with a few friends this weekend that I'm really craving oatmeal. How weird is that?? ) Right now I feel lighter, more energetic and in charge of this weight loss thing.

And this is where I go downhill. If I didn't have surgery in a few days, I know how I would react. I know where my thoughts go...

"I got this! So this one bowl of Captain Crunch won't hurt!"

"I got this! I'm just going to sneak a few chocolate chip cookies..."

"I got this! This dinner was delicious! I've been so good, I deserve a second (third...) helping!"

And soon I would be back to my old ways. I'd gain the weight back - maybe even more. I'd have to go clothes shopping and that 'light' feeling I have now would be replaced with the self-loathing that I am all too familiar with.

The cycle of madness would never end. Losing the same few pounds, gaining them back, rinse and repeat.

My health depends on me losing more than this tiny amount of weight. Because while 11 pounds gone is great, heart disease doesn't care I've only lost 11 pounds. Sleep apnea doesn't care I've only lost 11 pounds. Diabetes doesn't care that I've only lost 11 pounds. They are all looming in front of me, waiting for me to fail. Waiting for their time to strike.

So I'm taking control. And for the first time ever I can say with confidence - I GOT THIS.

I'm With The Band - Cheater, Cheater, Brisket Eater

I've been on the liquid diet for a week now and it has gotten easier. And I've lost 10 pounds! But frankly it still sucks. I'm so sick of protein shakes. And broth. And jello. So. much. jello. Saturday was my anniversary (11 years! Woop! Woop!) and I cheated by eating a little brisket and some broccoli. Whoever thought I would cheat with broccoli??  *sigh*  But the end is in sight!

I saw the surgeon Monday for my pre-op appointment. We went over everything with the surgery, after surgery and maintenance down the road. He also sprung something on me and we changed my surgery a bit. He offered to do a band with plication. I didn't realize it would be an option for me, but had read up on it before. After confirming what I knew and discussing any additional risks, I said, "Sign me up!"

So what does THAT mean?

Plication is when they take your stomach, fold it in on itself, and sew it up. The result is a stomach that is similar to that in gastric sleeve surgery, but nothing is actually removed.

 Banding with plication

Gastric Sleeve

Why would they want to do this?

• Faster initial weight loss. While the long term results are found to be about the same with each surgery, having just a gastric band is known for slower weight loss. I was completely okay with that. But we're an instant gratification society and I'm definitely an instant gratification girl. Part of the reason regular diets didn't work for me was the slow results. "I haven't lost any weight this week, might as well have a cookie - or six!" Not healthy thinking - I KNOW. Working on that! But isn't everyone more likely to stick to something if you see it's working? 
• It's still safer than gastric bypass or gastric sleeve surgery. Nothing is being cut and removed from my body. It's still an outpatient procedure, so I'll still be home that day. I just might have a little additional nausea after surgery and I may not be able to move on to solid foods as quickly. 
• Less maintenance. After lap band surgery, you will see your doctor every 3-6 weeks for 'fills'. (They will inject saline into the port on your band.) 

You can read more about this fairly new procedure here. 

On Monday, I will drink a large amount of junk that will completely empty out my stomach. Basically keep me in the bathroom all day. The information sheet they sent me about it said to gather books and magazines 'cause you'll need it! Ha! Wish me luck with that! 

Next Wednesday is the big day! 

I'm With the Band - Pre-op Diet

 I started my pre-op diet yesterday. The purpose of the diet is to shrink my liver to make it easier to move for the surgery. I guess right now it's the shape of a football. This diet will shrink it down to the size of a stingray.

So what IS my pre-op diet? Liquids. Nothing but sugar-free liquids. I have supplements from the doctor's office that I drink 4 times a day and then I'm allowed strained soups, sugar-free jello, sugar-free popsicles, and all of the water my body can drink. I can flavor the water, so I'm experimenting with different sugar-free flavorings like Mio and Crystal Light. (Please don't lecture me on chemicals or how terrible faux sugar is for my body. Let me tackle one demon at a time.)

I was very nervous about doing this pre-op diet. In fact, Tuesday night I was a little sad. I didn't get to almost 250 lbs because it's easy for me to NOT eat food. But Wednesday morning I woke up determined and ready to go.

And honestly, it hasn't been that bad. I've felt hungry a few times, which is odd for me because it's something I've never really felt in many years! Mostly I felt lost. I didn't realize how much of my time was spent cooking, eating, and thinking about food. And now that it's being taken away from me (albeit temporarily) I wasn't sure what to do with myself. It's a big learning process!

I meet with my surgeon next week for my pre-op appointment. Want to know more? Tune in next time!

I'm with the Band Pt. 3

Can't you do this on your own?

No, I can't.







Okay, I suppose I'll elaborate. This is my #1 thought that plagues me.

Why CAN'T I just do this on my own??

I wish I had perfectly wonderful answers to that question, but I don't. The truth is people DO lose large amounts of weight and then keep it off all on their own. And "Hooray!" for them!

Losing all the weight I need to AND keep it off is an impossible feat in my mind. I'm working on that. (A huge part of ANY weight loss process is changing your mindset, not just your diet and activity) The gastric band will be a tool that will help get me there.

Is it the easy way out? Well, it will be easier than trying to do it all on my own. I'll have a physical reminder to make the changes necessary to be successful. But just being banded will not guarantee any weight loss. It will help me, it will NOT do it for me. The choices to lead a healthier lifestyle are still mine and mine alone to make.


What are you afraid of? 

Frogs, mostly. Toads really. They don't move for the longest time and then jump unexpectedly (I say they jump AT you, my husband says I'm crazy...) It scares the bejeeezus out of me.

"I vill kill you in your sleep!" (Toads speak with a terrifying German accent - didn't you know that?)

Oh! You mean about the band?! Well, I'm a bit nervous about the procedure. It's outpatient, but it will be the first time I will have been put under. There are complications that are rare but still worry me. But my biggest fear is that horrible four letter F-word...

I'm really afraid I'm going to FAIL. 

It can be easy to cheat with the band. Just ask Sharon Osborne. I'm really afraid I will find a way to work around the lap band and remain fat forever. 

I'm educating myself, committing myself to the new lifestyle and surrounding myself with a support team and accountability partners. My fear will not become my reality! 

I'm With the Band Pt 2

1. Why Lap Band?

 My surgeon does three different types of bariatric surgery, Roux-en-Y, Gastric Sleeve, and Gastric Banding. Each surgery has it's own benefits and risks. I felt like gastric banding was the right pick for me because:

• None of my internal organs will be cut. With the band, if something happens, I can have it removed and everything will go back to the way it was before. 
• The recovery time is much shorter. It's an outpatient procedure, so I will not have to stay in the hospital. And since Grace isn't walking, having a weight restriction for a long period of time wouldn't work for our family. 
• There will be long term follow-up. I will have to stay in regular contact with my surgeon, especially in the first year, to be sure I'm using the band correctly.
• The weight loss will be slower. I LOVE instant gratification and losing weight quickly sounds terrific! But I know that in order for me to use this tool and be successful with it, I need to change my habits. I worry that if I dropped the weight quickly, I would go back to my old ways just as quickly. 

This wasn't a decision I took lightly. I weighed pros/cons, costs/benefits for quite sometime before making the decision. 

2. How did people respond when you told them? 

I didn't tell anyone for a long time because I expected the worst. I expected judgement, ridicule, and conflict. Instead all I have gotten has been love and support. My husband, Jeff, has been my biggest support through all of this. He's excited for me to feel better about myself. My family and friends have been quick to offer help with the kids and even feed my family afterwards. 

My kids don't quite understand. Riley told me he doesn't want me to change because he "loves me just the way I am". Those were the sweetest words I could have ever heard! But I'm sure he'll still love me when I'm healthier and able to jump on the trampoline and run around the yard with him. 

So why did I choose surgery? Can't I just do this on my own? Tune in next week to find out! 

I'm With the Band Pt. 1

In July, I revealed that I decided to have lap band surgery. I've jumped through all the necessary hoops and finally got a surgery date - October 8th. So for the next 6 weeks, I'm going to share a bit about the various parts of the surgery. Well, all the "before" stuff anyway.

Part 1: The Basics

1. What is lap band surgery?

Lap Band is the brand name of an Adjustable Gastric Band, but is commonly used to describe the procedure (much like people refer to tissues as Kleenex regardless of brand).  A silicone band is placed around the stomach and then filled with saline to reduce the size of the stomach. Read more about it here. 

2. Why did you choose lap band surgery?

There are several answers to this question...

I have always had issues with food. I'm an emotional eater, but my main issue is that I'm a volume eater. I remember being younger and having my mom's friend laugh because I could eat an entire Stouffer's Lasagna by myself. The high school boys that worked at the local Subway thought it was amazing that my junior high self could eat an entire meatball sub. I never thought it was weird that I could eat so much and it never really occurred to me that it was a bad thing until I got older. After years of overeating, I've broken the natural system in my body that tells me when to stop. I have no idea what it means to be "full" until I'm uncomfortably stuffed. 

I've tried losing weight many other ways and have been successful, only to gain the weight (plus more!) back soon after. I don't want to spend the rest of my life losing the same 15-30 lbs over and over again just to regain it. 

I have a lot of weight to lose. If  I had 25, 30 or even 50 lbs to lose, my thought process may be different. But I have so much weight to lose (100.7 lbs to be exact) that it really seems impossible and I get discouraged before even starting.  

I know what it takes to lose weight. But I tend to forget that I'm dieting until after I've 'screwed' up. I need constant accountability.

So why did I choose Lap Band over other types of weight loss surgery? Tune in next week to find out!
(Have questions about the procedure? My decision? My sanity?? Leave them in the comments or email me! I'd love to answer them!) 

Hey! It's Okay Tuesday!

It's Okay to...

- Admit that you need help.
- Know that when you face your issues, strength can take the place of shame.
- Let the cat out of the bag....:)

In December, I decided to do something serious about my health and in February I started the process of having lap-band surgery. It isn't scheduled yet, but if all goes as planned I should have surgery by the end of August.

I hadn't told anyone for the longest time because I was ashamed. I know people will talk, I know people will think it's the easy way out, I know people will judge. But I realized I can't control what others may say. But I can share my story.

It really isn't anyone else's business - it's my body. But I don't want to lose weight and have people believe I finally got my shizz together and conquered this diet/exercise thing on my own. It felt very dishonest.

So I'd like to put it out there. I'm horrible at blogging, but hopefully I can document this huge life change well!

Check out Airing My Dirty Laundry for more of what's okay!