In the Right Direction

Gracie had a follow-up CT scan today and things went well. Her ventricles are puffing up perfectly, but now fluid is pooling around her shunt again. It's not as bad as it was in May, but we have to watch it carefully and keep her sitting up as much as possible. Sally, the nurse practitioner extraordinaire, said they kind of expected it to do this. The fluid pools mostly when she is playing on her back. If it continues to do this she'll have to wear her fancy headband again until things even out.

We'll go back next week for another CT scan to make sure everything is still going in the right direction. Now it's kind of a game to see which level her shunt should be on. She is doing really, really well - getting such a silly personality. Here are some pictures I took tonight while she was playing (and cuddling!) with Riley.

The Great Debate

I'm so done. And I felt super guilty about it.

With my other two kids, I breastfed until around 6 months and then it just got to be too much. I was working full-time, pumping was hard, etc. So when I got pregnant with Grace, I resolved to breastfeed as long as possible. A year! 18 months! 6 years! Okay, I never once considered six years, but my commitment was there. So around month 6 when we were still going strong I felt empowered. I am super mom hear me roar! And then it went on and on and on... Here we are at almost 10 months and I'm done. My supply has gone way down and frankly I'm just tired of it. So I took the plunge and decided to start weaning. But first I had to buy formula.

This was not an option, but I wish it was! Japan makes the cutest baby formula.

I would stand in the formula aisle and stare at all of the tubs trying to decide which one would be best. The Similac? The Gerber with it's coupons burning a hole in my binder? The Enfamil that mocks me with it's label reading "breast milk is best!" I would finally give up and march off emtpy handed. I was convinced that by giving Gracie formula, I was robbing her of the essential nutrients she needed to survive. Who knew what medical issues would be resolved with the power of my magical breast milk?!

(Please refrain from writing to me to tell me I'm ridiculous. Trust me, I know. I have the secret ability to give myself epic guilt trips and work myself into a frenzy of ridiculousness. It's one of the very few flaws I have *ahem* and I'm working on it.)

But I had to put my own feelings aside. I wasn't producing as much, so Grace wasn't getting enough from me. She wasn't learning to hold a bottle and for some babies that's no big deal. But for Grace, since she doesn't consistenly use her left hand, it's something I had to keep at the top of the list. By allowing her to use a bottle, it would help her learn to use a cup. And the thought of nursing AND pumping so we'd have enough for bottle feeding made me want to crawl into the corner and lie (lay?) in the fetal position until she was old enough for college. So after weighing the pros and cons and some simple straight talk from a friend (thanks Megan!) I knew I had to commit to weaning her. And we're all doing just fine with that.

*Update - I wrote this about two weeks ago and things have gone downhill from here. Grace is now REFUSING to drink formula. A nurse friend of mine laughed when I mentioned I was worried about not producing enough. Gracie's chubby leg rolls apparently mean everything is just fine. So we are kind of back to square one!*

My Own Worst Enemy

   She was young, probably about 16, blond, out with friends, and I was about to climb over two booths at IHOP to shove her pancakes where the sun doesn't shine. Why? She was staring at my baby, talking about her with her friends and motioning to her with a jut of her chin. And it ticked me off.
   Gracie's hair is s-l-o-w-l-y growing back from her surgery. Her rainbow shaped scar is faint, but still noticeable. Since her head is so small, you can see the outline of the shunt.
   I want to be proud of her scar. To leave it uncovered and have it seen as a badge of honor. Something that says, "Look at how tiny my baby is! And she's had major surgery on her brain. Isn't she amazing?" And a big part of me does feel that way. I can't believe all that she's been through and her life has barely begun.

Grace - two days after surgery.

But I'm also self-conscious about it. I want people to look at Grace and think, "Aww, she's so cute!" not, "Hey, what's wrong with that baby?".  I feel like when people hear "hydrocephalus" they automatically think, "Oh water on the brain. Poor girl. She'll be slow. Won't be normal." 

   Maybe no one thinks that. Maybe I'm just bringing my own insecurities and putting them on her. I'm so afraid that because of her 'condition', people will judge her without giving her a chance. And it turns out that's exactly what I'm doing. I'm getting defensive over something that I have no reason to be defensive about.

Gracie - a few days after having the stitches removed.

 I pray that as she grows I gain the ability to get over myself. That I raise her to know that she is strong, smart and capable of anything. That someday when she's being awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, an Oscar, or Heisman Trophy she can stand up and say, "I never knew I was suppose to have limitations. No one ever told me."

Grace today. 10/20/2010

Delivering Grace

{Delivering Grace was such a completely different experience than having my other two. I had never imagined myself having a ceserean, so I never even looked at any info on it. I'm going to write out my 'birth story' in a few posts so I can record everything I remember and give you an insight as to what it was like. If you aren't interested, I won't be offended. Just skip this post and I promise to write about other things soon. }

The night before, I could not sleep. Anxiety about everything kept my adrenaline flowing. After a few brief hours of sleep, I got up, showered and carefully did my hair and makeup. I already felt like I had very little control over everything that would be happening that day. The one thing I COULD control was how I looked - and I wanted to make sure I looked good.

The ride to the hospital was pretty quiet. We arrived (late - as is typical with us) and checked in. I was really amazed at how fast everything went from that point. We were whisked away to a room where I was told to undress and put on the fancy hospital gown. It didn't dawn on me then that this gown would be the one I wore (at least halfway anyway) during my first major surgery. Once settled into the hospital bed, two very sweet nurses began a flurry of activity around me - asking me questions, starting my IV, hooking me up to monitors. They handed Jeff a set of scrubs, told him they would be back to get him and started wheeling me down the hallway.

I remember laying on the bed, watching the ceiling tiles go by and thinking it was like a scene from "ER" or some other hospital drama. They wheeled me into a very bright, very white room. The anesthesiologist was there and started explaining the spinal to me. I tried to listen to him, but all I could think was "Please let it work. Please let it work." I was terrified of being one of those strange cases that you see on TLC where the anesthesia doesn't work and you feel EVERYTHING. So I sat on the side of the bed, hugging one of the sweet nurses so that my spine would curve just right and prayed. Thankfully the very worst pain of the whole procedure was the numbing shots. A few deep breaths and a couple of pinches later and the spinal was in. Like ninjas, the two nurses swung my legs back on the table at lightening speed and made me lay down. The spinal worked very quickly and within seconds I was paralyzed from the chest down. It was so weird to not be able to wiggle your toes.

The doctor came in and announced they were ready to start. Suddenly, in a room full of people, I felt very alone.

Scary Stuff

Last week during an ultrasound I got some very unexpected news. There was something "off" about the baby. The radiologist couldn't give me any information because "he's not a doctor and I would have to speak to my doctor about it", but the words "baby...enlarged ventricle...brain....spine...sudden" were floating around the room. Terrifying words to hear, especially when you aren't given any more information than that. My doctor was out of the office already, but thankfully I had an appointment scheduled already with her first thing the following morning. She advised me that the ultrasound seem to show that the baby had an enlarged ventricle in her brain. It can mean several things: hydrocephalus, spina bifida, and many other scary things you can find if you google it (Note to self: Never google something if you don't want to see the absolute worst case scenarios.)

Since it was showing up so late in my pregnancy and wasn't there at a previous ultrasound just three weeks ago, my doctor was convinced it was an error or a fluke but referred me to a specialist just to be sure. After a more detailed ultrasound, the specialist agreed that the ventricle was enlarged, but gave us some very encouraging news. In the brain there are three ventricles. The one that is enlarged in Grayce's brain is the one that produces spinal fluid. It then dumps it into the second chamber to be distributed around the brain via small channels. He made it clear that there are no definites in medicine, but with his previous experience, he felt the issue was that the channels going from one ventricle to the next just haven't been developed fully. Since there are no other signs of abnormalities - no blood clots or tumors that could cause a blockage and she is perfectly healthy in every other way.  To quote him:

I'm going to assume that this baby is perfectly healthy until proven otherwise. If you hadn't had an ultrasound this late, no one would have known of this 'issue' and she would have grown up to be Einstein.

But since they DID find the 'issue', I have to have an MRI next week and meet with the specialist again to confirm that no other abnormalities are present. So while there are no absolute answers yet (and truthfully won't be until after she's born), we're very encouraged that our little girl is just fine.

I'd appreciate any prayers and positive thoughts you can send our way early Wednesday morning when I'm in the MRI and again Friday afternoon when we meet with the specialist. And as a "Thank You" in advance, I'm leaving you with a menu and the song that inspired Graycie's name. :-)

Monday - Chicken, bacon, ranch sandwiches
Tuesday - Tacos
Wednesday - Baked Ziti
Thursday - Hamburgers
Friday - Breakfast burritos and sprinkle pancakes (more about these later in the week!)

Super

There are many reasons why I cannot wait to have this baby. One of them happens to be the fact that I know there will be a point in time where my family will be home sleeping, a nurse will offer to take Graycie to the nursery so I can rest and there will be a small period of time where it will be quiet. No one climbing on me, demanding my attention...

For a bit I wondered what these thoughts meant. Am I a bad mother for looking forward to the time when they whisk her away? I've concluded that no, I'm not a bad mother. Just a very tired one. :-)

Any thoughts you've had lately that inspired that wonderful feeling known as mommy guilt?

What a Girl Wants, What a Girl Needs: Peer Pressure Edition

After saying I needed a few boppy covers, numerous people told me/commented that I should use my 'skills' and make them. This had crossed my mind, but I knew it would require effort and honestly I just don't want to do anything these days except sit and watch The Daily Show on my DVR. But I caved to the pressure and gave it a whirl. I found a tutorial online (there are only about 1.7 trillion links to one if you do a google search!) and found one that was pretty basic. So basic that I could have figured it out on my own. Anyway!

I just traced the slipcover I had onto some freezer paper, ironed the freezer paper to some cute material, cut, sewed and I came up with this:

I carefully pointed out a few flaws (and my toe) and put a baby in it...well, just because I could. This cover is a little snug, especially around the middle section. So the next one I'll make sure I cut a little bigger. I'm not sure I cut big enough for the seam allowance. I don't have a zipper big enough for it right now so I'm debating on whether or not to purchase a bigger zipper or go for the zipper's cheaper, easier sister Velcro. I'm also debating on whether or not to just use the cotton I have in my stash or find some soft knit to try.

 Once I actually got off my tookus and DID it, it really only took me about an hour tops and saved me $10-15. And it's a good thing I bought a second boppy, cause I may not be getting this one back.

What a Girl Wants, What a Girl Needs : Food Edition

eeGo Bottles - Not what we are using, but super cute!

I've had a very easy time with breastfeeding. Both of my kids took to it like fish to water. Riley spoiled me by being on an exact three hour schedule. Brenna on the other hand had me convinced that she was literally going to suck the life out of me because all she wanted to do was eat! (Once we were home from the hospital she quickly started to sleep through the night - and I began to think we should keep her.) I realize how lucky I am to have no issues with feeding and am going to assume that this baby will be just as easy. So for the first months of her life, she'll be getting her food from...

I was only able to breastfeed for about six months with my first two. I was working full-time then and even though my job was really great and provided a special room for nursing mothers (something that is unheard of in most workplaces!) I would eventually stop producing enough and have to supplement. I was okay with that, but I'm looking forward to NOT buying formula with this one! That stuff is so expensive! 

 I have gotten a few accessories to make it easier, such as: 

This Medela Pump I stole bought from Myra. (Seriously good deal on this!) 

Medela bottles and freezer storage. We had used Avent before but they leak! So we are giving these a whirl. 

And of course the boppy. We have two, I just need to purchase covers for them. I'm having a hard time finding the cute ones they advertise on their site. I refuse to settle for anything less  than supercute.

I also purchased two nursing bras, two nursing camis (to wear at night) and will probably pick up another nursing bra down the road. And yes Haley, I have nipple cream. :-)

Anything I'm missing?

What a Girl Wants, What a Girl Needs : Name Edition

We have no idea what our little baby's name will be. Jeff named our other two (and did an awesome job!) so he's basically letting me have free reign with this baby. (Within reason of course. I wanted to name her Eugenia after my favorite character in my favorite book. Complete veto on that one!)

There are a few names that I keep coming back to, but nothing sounds just right. I want it to be different, but not weird. Cute for a little girl, but classy for a woman. Something that sounds respectful and not like she's destined to be a stripper. Here are the few I'm tossing around:

• Ella - I love Ella. It reminds me of both Eleanor Roosevelt (one of my favorite women in history) and elephants (my favorite animal). I think Ellie is such a cute name for a little girl, but neither Ella nor Ellie sound right for an adult.
• Allison - I don't have a specific reason for liking Allison. I just do. Although I do think there is some connection to my fondness for SYTYCD's Allison Holker (see side pic!) - who is beautiful, talented and a fellow curly girl.
• Lauren - Just a pretty, classy name that isn't heard often. My biggest fear is that she would be called "Laurie" and I hate that. 
• Elisabeth - I love the way this spelling looks - and it would eliminate her being called "Liz" which I don't like. Leaning more towards the middle name for this one. 
• Macey - (Or some variation on the spelling.) Such a cute name. I only know one other Macey (Spelled differently) and she is a doll! Just a fun name but still classy for an adult.
• Katelyn - I've loved Katelyn for years. A good friend also named her baby Caitlyn a few years ago. Unfortunately, Caitlyn passed away a week after she was born due to an undetected heart defect. So that name is very bittersweet to me. 

So I've made little progress. We still call her Baby Rosie after Riley's favorite girl train from Thomas and Friends. (Rosie is not a name I would consider!) I'm constantly on the look out for names and eventually we WILL find the right one! 

What a Girl Wants, What a Girl Needs : Clothing Edition

I had a pretty decent freak out last night. Why, you ask? Take a peek over at my sidebar. See that green button? The one that mentions the third Rudd baby? Check out how much time I have left...go ahead, I'll wait.

Did you see it? 10 weeks. 69 days or less! (I refuse to think of going past the due date!) I can't believe I'm already at week 30. This pregnancy has gone so fast! Last night I found myself feeling very panicky - there is still so much I need to do/buy!

In reality, we are pretty ready, but I still feel so unprepared! So I'm going to take a few posts, lay out what I've got and what I plan on getting, and ask my fellow mommy's to give it a look and see what you think I'm missing.

• several newborn sleepers and gowns 
• two hooded towels
• breast pads
• newborn hats
• 7 cloth diapers

As soon as I'm childless and/or motivated to take the young'uns out, we'll head to Target to buy:

• a pack of disposable diapers (I'm not confident enough to go all cloth, so she will be a hybrid baby. Ooh, potential baby name? Prius Rudd? Nah.)
• newborn onesies and pants
• hopefully a maternity bra or four (I've used the same ones since Riley was born. They weren't the best quality to begin with, so I'm totally treating myself to some nice, new, fancy ones)

Clothing is really where I feel the most comfortable. I have an incredible weakness when it comes to buying clothes for my kids, so I've really had to watch myself and not go crazy. Especially when she'll wear newborn size for such a short time! I do also have a decent stash of 0-3 month sleepers, onesies and one piece outfits already on hand.

So, what do you think I'm missing? Anything you found you couldn't live without? Anything you think is a waste?

It's All in the Cloth, Part One

Call me crazy ("You so crazy!") But I'm thinking about using cloth diapers on Rudd baby #3. I never in a million years thought I would be one of "those hippie moms", but I've been reading up on it and it just makes sense. Here's why (in my humble opinion):

- Diapers are EXPENSIVE. And I believe you get what you pay for, so I am pretty loyal to Pampers. Even with sales and coupons, I'm paying an average of $10/week on diapers and wipes. That's $40 a month, $480 a year,  or approximately $1440 until potty trained.

- Diapers are AWFUL for the environment. It takes an average of 500 years for a disposable diaper to decompose.

- A few times I've gone to change a diaper and found clear, gel-like beads on their tush. I had no idea what it was, but wasn't comfortable finding it there! (I googled it, it's sodium polyacrylate, a polymer that can absorb 200-300 times it's weight. It's no longer used in tampons because of it's link to Toxic Shock Syndrome.)

I decided to buy a couple cloth diapers and try them out on their toughest critic...

...Brenna-Saurus Rex. (Here she is in her cloth diaper 'helping' me fix the screen door.)

I bought a bumGenius 3.0 One Size in Tangerine and a Flip One-Size in Blossom. You may ask, "But Bethany, why would you buy diapers for Brenna if she's going to be potty-trained soon? (God willing!!) Shouldn't you buy small diapers for the new baby?" That's the beauty of it! Since these are one-size diapers, they adjust to fit babies of any size (average of 7-35 pounds!) So I can use the same diapers on Brenna and Baby Siobhan (not going to be the real name)! Brilliant! Frugal! Neat! I attempted to get uni-sex colors just in case Siobhan is a William. That and I LOVED the springy yellow and orange. :-)

So how did it go? What do I think? Will I continue on my quest to cloth diaper? You'll have to come back and find out!

Lucky.

Today starts my second trimester. It is going so fast - too fast!

At my last appointment I found out that my doctor has new nurses, (sidenote - would it be weird for me to ask what happen to the other ones? There were three wonderful nurses that are now gone...I'm not suspecting anything sinister, but I liked them!), and a new computer system. This meant that the doctor's office that I  have been going to for five years, that was with me through both of my other pregnancies and knew EVERYTHING, was treating me like a new patient. I was there to get blood drawn and had Brenna with me, so I wasn't happy about having to answer a ton of questions that they should have already known. So we're going through the questions and she asks me if this is my first pregnancy.

Duh. Have you seen my chart? Do you see my daughter next to me? No lady, this is my third.

She then proceeds to tell me about how often I will need to be seen and what will happen at each appointment. I wanted to scream, "I'VE DONE THIS BEFORE! I KNOW THE DRILL! JUST TAKE MY BLOOD SO I CAN GO!" And then she asks me a question that stopped me in my negative tracks...

"So this is your third pregnancy, and you have two living children?"

Yeah, yeah I do. I have had two wonderful, problem free pregnancies that resulted in two beautiful, healthy children. I wonder how many women she's had to ask. And how many couldn't answer yes. How many women have been a patient for as long as I have and are still struggling with a negative pregnancy test from month to month. How many have been pregnant, but never got to experience the joy of bringing the baby home?

So I humbled myself, answered the questions and thanked her for her time. Then I counted my many, many blessings.

Insignificant in Comparison

Please take a moment to click on over to this blog and read:  http://memoriesoncloverlane.blogspot.com/2010/03/days-of-our-lives.html


Beautifully written and I whole-heartedly agree. She said it best when she said,

"No one told me that once I became mother everything else in life I'd ever do would be insignificant in comparison."

Indeed. Everything else is insignificant.

Plum Perfect

I'm almost to the end of my first trimester! It is going by so quickly. Right now the baby is supposedly the size of a plum.

I've felt pretty good lately. I feel like my energy is coming back, but I'm still having some pretty awful food aversions. Thankfully the aversions are to foods that are awful for me anyway (I'll just say that I will NEVER eat another pizza roll as long as I live!). The grocery store sales on strawberries have been this pregnant girl's best friend. So I'll continue to eat the fresh stuff! We haven't heard the heartbeat yet, but should at my next appointment at the end of April.

Riley now calls the baby "William" after our favorite baby pig.

Olivia and her family are pretty big at our house. :-)

Olive Juice

Today marks the start of my 9th week of pregnancy. I've tried to enjoy each little bit since I know that this is most likely my last time being pregnant. I've tried to convince Jeff that we could be the next Duggar family, but he's not going for it. So far I've felt pretty good. I've had the normal first trimester exhaustion (around one o'clock I become worthless!) and  bouts of nausea. This baby must be a health nut because I'm craving foods like tomatoes, grapes and nectarines. I cannot wait until this summer to visit the farmers markets up here and eat fresh sweet corn and tomatoes to my hearts content! During my other two pregnancies I craved chocolate milk, but that - along with hot dogs and chocolate chip cookies - makes me SICK this time around. Hopefully those habits will follow me after pregnancy as well!

My little bean is supposedly the size of a green olive right now and has officially become a fetus. Jeff is determined it's a boy and Riley will not accept anything other than a little brother. I believe his exact words were, "No more stinky little girl babies like Brenna!" I really don't care either way. I have determined that we are not telling ANYONE the baby's name until after it's born. I like to refer to it as "Baby Siobhan" (pronounced She-Von) after my favorite American Idol contestant Siobhan Magnus. She is just so cute and wonderfully weird! And what a rockstar name! Siobhan Magnus! That name has been seriously veto'd by the husband, so it will remain a nickname for now. Especially if Siobhan ends up being a he-Von! Get it? She-von, He-von? HA! No? Oh, whatever. :-)

It's Funny 'cause It's True

C

Click on comic for a better view. :-)

Future Fabio

Riley fell asleep in the chair one morning and I found him like this:

 

I'm not sure which is funnier - the fact that his shirt came completely unbuttoned or that D Dog is in the exact same pose. Crazy kid.

Rainbow Brite Zombies

I have been having the strangest dreams lately. I thought it was lack of sleep, overactive imagination, etc. Take this one for example:

I'm living in New England and there is a blizzard outside so I'm trapped inside the house. A blond girl, who thinks she is Rainbow Brite, keeps following me around. I soon realize that she is a zombie and wants to eat my brain. 

WEIRD, right? So when I told Jeff about my dream he says, "Are you pregnant?"

Huh. I don't think so. Or at least I didn't think so until that moment. I whipped out the calendar...I'm two days 'late'. I can't be pregnant. We didn't plan this. I want to wait until Brenna is older...

Before I took the test I prayed, "Lord, I don't know if I want this to be positive or negative. But if you want us to have another baby - bring it on!"

Long story short...

We're Pregnant!!!

Our third little blessing is scheduled to make it's debut October 14th....about a week before my 30th birthday! What a gift!

11 Months

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

How YOU doing?

It seems that I tend to blog about things and then just abruptly stop...(sorry mom!) so here is an update on the Rudd's thus far...

Riley is sleeping in his own bed! It was much easier than I thought it would be. I guess it was just time. He still puts up a little protest, but is content when you agree to read three books and watch some episodes of Thomas the Tank Engine. (Yes, my 2 1/2 yr old son has a tv in his room. I swore my kids would NOT have tv's in their room, especially so young! But it keeps him in his bed and allows us to watch something OTHER than Thomas and Friends.) He's such a good kid - says "please" and "thank you" and helps out with his sister. Little boys don't come any sweeter than this.

Brenna is a hibernating bear right now. She's moved up to eating 6 oz at a time and is CONSTANTLY SLEEPING! Last night, she slept from about 5 pm to 4:30 the next morning! She's growing like a weed and is so so sweet for the few hours she is awake. :-) She may look like her daddy, but she's as photogenic as her mom. Which is not at all. She's so precious when she smiles so I tried to catch a picture of her this afternoon and this is what I got...

Terrified Brenna

Brenna giving me the ol' stink eye.

And doing her best dead possum impression.

I did get ONE semi-blurry, but super sweet one. It showcases her pretty red hair.

Jeff is doing really well. Working hard among all the layoffs his company is doing. The RV industry is really awful in Elkhart County right now - the NY Times even did a story on how Elkhart is the "white hot center of the meltdown in the American economy". (Click here to read the story) Jeff works in IT (a.k.a. the computer guy) and not in the actual factories, so he does have some job security. I'm grateful to have a computer nerd for a husband! He's a good man and an awesome father.

Me - well, I'm good. I some how thought it would be a good idea to sign up for the craft fair at work, because I don't have enough on my plate with two kids, a house and a full time job. So I've been making cards like a mad woman. It's next week, so we'll see how I do! I've had some requests for my stuff already! I just hope I don't disappoint! I'll try and post some pictures of my creations before they are sold.

The whole "weight loss Wednesday" has been put on the back burner. I could come up with a thousand excuses why, but honestly my inner brat has won out recently and I just don't want to eat well and exercise. As much as I know I should and as good as I felt when I was going strong! I do really really really want to do the 5k that Mandy Hall is holding in March in honor of her son Connor. I am going to do it. I just need to get my brat in line. Like the Japanese proverb, Fall down seven times - stand up eight!

So what's up with you?

(p.s. how do you like the look of the Mighty B's blog?? I did the header myself! It only took me about four hours and a million google searches for tutorials on how to use Photoshop! HA! But now that I have it figured out, (sort of) I can't wait to make more! Start a blog! I'll design your header for you!! Only $29.95!)